You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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