Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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