smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize