call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
