there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
