I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
