a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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