Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
