ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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