So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
