Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
