Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
