I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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