i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
