im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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