I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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