if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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