8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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