I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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