I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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