he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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