My Higher Power is John Stamos
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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