1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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