It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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