At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
did you just send me my own nude
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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