some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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