I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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