I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
