So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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