I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
