your parents love me but you hate me
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
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