Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
