see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
