then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
My first STD was from a foam party
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Randomize
