possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
