They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
