I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
