i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize