so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize