She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize