So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
