So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
