Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
