Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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