I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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