Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
