girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
