He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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