i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
