did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
3pm strippers are depressing
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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