dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize