Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
