Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I have peed in a lot of sinks
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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