I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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