I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
