Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
