he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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