oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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