i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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