He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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