I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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