first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
