Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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