it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize