I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
