I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
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