I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
