Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
