i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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