She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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