It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
